Posted by Dradon Haystorm on 20th September 2011

Romantic Cave People

Way back in time, when men used to roam the earth with club in hand, women prayed that the man who knocked her out cold was “the one” – the caveman of her dreams.

Banksy Cave Man

Sadly though, many a headache and broken dream was the only result, as the majority of men in the day were not at all that good of a catch by today’s standards. It seemed they only concerned themselves with fending off saber-toothed tigers and really never had much time to hone their romantic skills. They were just the okay kind of a man according to modern ways, and in fact, all of them were like this. The good men – the romantic cavemen – were usually eaten by predators, and to this day, when a fossil is found of such a man, usually a prehistoric flower can also be found right next to him. Scientists figure stargazing at the moment of impact from the fangs of a large animal was the most common way of death for these sensitive characters.

In all the commotion of daily life three thousand years ago, protecting the home front from woolly mammoths and maintaining the sharpness of spears and such took up a lot of time, but supposedly good cavemen somehow managed to muster up enough romantic inclination and ten minutes of time to produce cave babies with their newly captured brides.

Once these cave babies were done crawling around in the dirt of the lair, it was the assumed duty of their cave moms to grow these missing links into strong law-abiding citizens. However, due to the shortages in manpower, and the ever-increasing size of predators grown fat from sensitive brethren lost; the young male cave teenagers had to go out and help the cave dads fight to protect the cave kingdom. Once again, missing out on another poetry lesson carved on the wall by mom.

It seems that in prehistoric days, romantic and sensitive natures were actually “not” what qualified a “good man”, but rather the qualities of strength to provide family safety and goods for survival were the prerequisites. If this were true, then in fact good men were all over the place, because human beings still live today long after extremely large carnivores.

Today however, the needs are different, and therefore the standards of what makes up a good man have changed. Survival is now a vote away, and instead of keeping an eye out for predators, women keep an eye for a straight guy. With brute strength fading behind beer-bellied monkey suits, and spines dwindling away, the sensitive man has been born. The cave men of old can now only be found riding motorcycles, fixing your car, acquiring the company you work for, fighting fires or running down criminals in between football games on tv. As a matter of fact, the day could soon come when it is men who are ruthlessly bashed over the head and taken home. However, and luckily for women, the question of whether to drag him by the hair, or by the feet, was solved by the invention of the wheel.

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